It seems to be that tender age of two when people — other parents, grandparents, judgmental strangers, etc — start wondering why your kid is still in diapers. Sure, some kids go much longer than that (as late as four, I hear) but the bell curve on potty training success really starts to slope upwards when you hit the two-year-old mark. Myself, having already spent countless hours attempting to coax The Girl to pee-pee on command (much to her mix of fascination and protest) I must now say that it has been an interesting experience not just in participating, but also in reflecting on the swaths of literature and advice relating varied methodologies on the subject. With that skeptical eye — and plenty of time sitting patiently in a bathroom — I have started to wonder: What do other parents say, and where does the bunk begin the slippery flush down into bogus? So, having not actually yet secured a successful splashdown with my own test subject, I thought I would breeze through some of the proposed ideas for playing the baby-meet-toilet matchmaking game.

I want to make clear: I’m not here to cast final judgment upon any of these methods. Some are random advice with seeming merit. Others are expensive. And still others are just, well… woo-woo. And they are what they are — as skeptical about many of them as I may imply to be. But, that all said, like most of this inexact science of parenting, there ain’t no formula nor is there otherwise any unified theory of potty-training that clears away my particular doubts on this subject and the associated collection of advice. So, here follows the skepdad inventory on potty training incentives for young and old alike:

1. Those ‘Big Kid’ Diapers

I think I understand the theory behind this. Most commercial diapers are designed to act as mega-absorbent sponges soaking up a zillion times their volume in pee (and/or blue liquid as implied by numerous television commercials.) Any analytical dad like me will have tried at least once to max out the capacity of a spare (No… with water!) and will have discovered the boggling quantity of fluid that these things are capable of holding. They do a really great job of keeping the kid dry and clean from the unspeakable mess, or at least as much as can be expected. But ultimately they create another tiny issue: there is no negative feedback in the system. How does a kid tell when she’s wet if the mega-sponge wrapped around her butt is soaking up every molecule of moisture? Thus were invented the special ‘potty training’ diapers. Problem solved, no? These (for example, Huggies™ Pull Ups^[1]) either stay a little wet or use some chemical reaction to create a cooling sensation. Now, we’ve tried these, and yes (at least the first few times) The Girl demonstrated the exact behavior we expected: “Get these damned things off of me!” (is probably what she’d say if she could talk) and prying at her pants with grim determination. Might it work? Let’s put aside questions of diaper companies really just wanting to keep your tots in their product as long as possible. And let’s forget for a moment that this is probably just another niche product that people have been getting by without for the whole of human history, until recently. Consider their functionality only, and then as merely a single tool in an arsenal in the war on potty training. But then that’s all the company is claiming, isn’t it? In the philosophical kind of way, you’ve just given your child a problem to solve: how do I avoid feeling wet? We all know the solution (at least, I hope) but that makes me think these “Big-Girl Diapers” are really just Step One in a multi-step process here.

2. The Watch Mom and Dad Method (Dr. Spock)

Imitation, they say, is the highest form of flattery. Or so implies the infamous Dr. Benjamin Spock (my parents bought his book waaaaay back and look how I turned out!). According to devotees^[2], his methodology says to show’em how it’s done. Bring those kids into the loo with you and perform a (presumably graphic) demonstration. All modesty aside might it work? It can’t hurt — unless you have a fragile ego. Costs considered, it’s free (well, excepting for the fact that idle kids in bathrooms usually mean yards of paper unrolled into useless wads.) And from a logical standpoint, it is a fair observations that kids love to copy their parents. And they might just want to copy this, too. From a creepy perspective…? You be the judge.

3. “The Train in a Day” or “The Timer” Methods

These two — and other concepts very similar — come up quite often in research and other books on potty training. In my mind and in themselves, they aren’t really methods but explanations of expectations for parents based on the amount of patience and time a parent is willing to invest. The two methods are only different in pace of execution and a really just advice-like ways of say that children “are given positive reinforcement when successful, and negative enforcement when there is an accident.”^[3] Whether it takes a single day or a week — whether you use a clock to strictly time sessions, or just take it more casually — the only skepticism due here is to ask whether your being charged for common sense info. Might it work? Yeah, sure — but I would suppose that like any bit of basic info, it really depends if the parent invests the effort. This isn’t rocket science.

4. Throw Her Doll a Potty Party
(Dr. Phil)

My own feelings on Dr. Phil and his advice aside, I think this is something of a spin on the Dr. Spock advice (see above) but accounting for (and excising) the creepy-factor of having your kids watch you pee. (No, Dr. Phil’s kids apparently didn’t watch him urinate. No one needs to be haunted by that image.) However, in this theory we’re not just omitting it, but substituting it: The theory, or at least as I get it, is that this is one step in a larger process where the act of using the toilet is demonstrated — and apparently celebrated with a “party”^[4] — using a favorite doll or stuffed animal. Again, imitation comes into play. A young mind would need to follow the logic of a thought such as: “If the doll uses the toilet and dad gets excited, just think how excited he’ll be when I use it!” Might it work? Sure. It can’t hurt. And it’s free, too — supposing you have party supplies and a cake kicking around the house. Just don’t be surprised when the doll goes for a swim. And whatever you do, don’t let your friends know that Dr. Phil told you.

5. Potty Training Dolls
(eg. Potty Patty™)

“She is an anatomically correct drink and wet-on-demand doll. She can drink water and hold it until you want her to go pee.”^[5] And I can’t believe she hasn’t yet been co-branded with a Dr. Phil t-shirt! Might it work? If parents are willing to shell out forty or fifty bucks on a doll that pees (more if you get the DVD!) I can’t see much difference from the previously dissected method. Sure, it could work. I’ll give it that. But skeptical parents should keep in mind that this is yet another ‘learn by example’ technique, and one so deeply coupled with a toy that frustrated parents can be forgiven for momentarily forgetting that this is someone’s business model. Someone’s product. Someone’s sales pitch. Heck, the front page of their website squares off with a picture of a doctor and a link to his testimonial. Argument from Authority, anyone?

6. The PottyWhisperer

“You start by briefly whispering a watery sound such as ‘sssss,’ ‘pssss’ or ‘tssss’ in your baby’s ear at potty time to help the child learn to associate this sound with releasing the sphincter muscles. If it’s (nearly) time to go, infants can release on cue.”^[6] (All this information and more can be yours with the purchase of the DVD set.) Even the website goes as far to claim that this is simple conditioning, using an audible trigger to link with a desired action, in this care, potty time. Might it work? Do Pavlov’s dogs like bells? Of course, with no scientific literature and a lot of new-agey mumbo-jumbo adorning the site (for example: “This allows them to slowly but surely develop elimination muscular and neural control per their own innate tempo.”^[6]) it definitely gets my skepdad senses tingling. And, I just hope all those kids can learn to NOT wet themselves when someday they’re adults and someone whispers ever-so-gently in their ear: “Sphincter Muscles: ACTIVATE!”

7. The Potty Boot Camp Seminar

For those parents who need to fall back on some form of guided instruction, I found mention of a $300 class^[7] (for parents and child) meant to run kids of multiple ages and developmental ability through a rigorous lesson in toilet topography. The original is based in Chicago, but I’m sure other entrepreneurial-minded parents might be considering a career as a potty-mouthed drill instructor coaching five students per day. And for that kind of cash, would you blame them? (Of course. This is the skepdad blog, remember!) According to the source, the methods fall back onto the “train in a day method,” but with the added benefit of having someone there to coach you and your young’un through the experience. Might it work? I suppose the chance is as high, if not higher, than the aforementioned train in a day method. But three hundred bucks could also buy a lot of other great things — I’m thinking a complete set of Dr. Seuss to read aloud while you’re all sitting in the bathroom together. Besides, what parent wants to spend their day watching other people’s kids go through that whole thing?

8. The Naked and $75 Method
(Dr. John Rosemond)

I first heard about the mind-boggling naked method from a friend-of-a-friend who’s sister-in-law (or something convoluted like that) was applying it. I wrote about it previously, too. The basic tenant of the method states that “…children won’t tolerate urine and feces running down their legs, and will quickly learn to go to the potty to avoid accidents.”^[8] And — oh, by the way — the seventy-five bucks is to clean your carpet when this little experiment is done. If you haven’t caught on by now, I’ll elaborate: children run wild and free, just as nature intended (apparently) whilst marking their territory in the fashion of disobedient dogs. The ultimate realization comes upon them in a flash of blinding upsight — or so I imagine — as they in the midst of their own waste products self-determine to join the post-diaper society of toilet-using grown-ups. Might it work? Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry accidentally dropped his girlfriend’s toothbrush in the toilet, missed the chance to tell her, watched her use it, then had to break up with her because he couldn’t bring himself to kiss her? It’s like that. I’m not prudish or adverse to biological material — really. But the mind has weird ways of messing with folks when it comes to human waste products. A simple cost-benefit analysis tells me sure, it might work — but at what price? There are spots in my home where the dog has overflowed on the carpet and even after years — and multiple cleanings — I’m still skittish about residual odors and whatnots. This kind of exercise would render entire floors of my house unusable, and the seventy-five bucks just wouldn’t cover it. Not to mention alienating friends and family. So much for dinner parties when your social circle finds out what happened in the living room.

9. The Potty BootCamp Ebook

“Are you trying to figure out the best way to potty train your child, but don’t know how? No time to do research? Only $5.95!”^[9] I can picture the scenario in my head that would lead any parent, wads of their own hair pulled out in frustration, to slam down a few measly bucks for even a glimmer of hope in the Battle of the Water Closet. Now, to give the product a fair review I will admit I ponied up to Paypal and bought a copy of the text for the sole purpose of prying back the hidden veil for you, my loyal readers. But now, after reading the short text, my advice has nothing to do with the quality of the advice in the book but rather is a general caution on the quality of many such things you can buy on the Internet, particularly from sites full of testimonials and guarantees. Sure, if you honestly don’t have the time, energy, or knowledge to research some basic potty training techniques for yourself — and then why are you reading this — the six bucks, give or take, might be well spent on thirty five pages of testimonials and concise (if only rehashed) instructions on said topic. But then maybe I’ll just include a link on skepdad.com for some information on cleaning feces from carpet and you’ll have the entire contents of this ebook (albeit in my words) within this single blog post — y’know, the one you are currently reading. Might it work? It’s nothing new, so check out the other methods above. But kudos to the author for finding yet another way to prey on desperate parents.

Now, go find a bathroom. This was a really long article.

[1] Huggies Pull Ups Website, www.pull-ups.com
[2] “Dr. Spock’s Toilet Training Method”, www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/A-Method-Spock.html
[3] A Summary of the Most Popular Potty Training Techniques
[4] Dr. Phil, Potty Train Your Child in Less than a Day, www.drphil.com/articles/article/264/
[5] Potty Patty™ Website, www.potty-patty.com
[6] The PottyWhisperer Website, www.pottywhisperer.com
[7] “What is Potty Boot Camp?”, www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/What-Potty-Boot-Camp.html
[8] Naked and $75, www.familyeducation.com/whatworks
[9] The Potty Boot Camp Website, www.thepottybootcamp.com